What does sexuality mean?

Well, I had finally heard enough about Rob Bell and had some extra time on my hands, so I went looking to get my hands on one of his sermons. Today, I listened to a sermon in which he talked about what sexuality really is. He said it's more than the physical act that happens between a man and a woman. That I have no trouble wrapping my mind around, because obviously the mind the spirit/emotions and the body are all a part of sexuality. But Rob was saying that sexuality is us trying to get re-connected. At the fall we were dis-connected: from God, from other people, from our environment. The root word "sex" means to be disconnected/severed (ie: dissect, sector...), so that's what he bases the rest of what he says on. My spirit echoed a lot of what he was saying, about how we feel disconnected from people - I know my relationships are not ideal; they are not as full as they could be; we don't love perfectly. I definitely feel the disconnect from God. Rob talked about the end of Revelation where these three disconnects will be reconnected. It's a great passage (one of the last chapters), where it talks about the tree that heals the nations. I wish I was there.

I'm just interested to see what you guys think about this - if you've ever thought about sexuality in this way. You can also download the sermon if you go to the website for Mars Hill.

My home church is awesome

Every time I come home to my parent's house in PA, and I go to church, I am surprised at how emerging the church really is (and they don't even know it). Tonight was our Christmas Eve service. If I was at Gateway, it would probably have been much more professional and done-up (not that there's anything wrong with that). But here, at Cornerstone Community Church in Sellersville, PA, we kicked off the service with a ska song that was about the birth of Jesus Christ. It was great! Now, I'm not a terribly big ska fan. A lot of my friends said they went through a "ska phase" and now they're over it, but the fact of the matter is, it was played over the sound system at the beginning of a Christmas Eve service. Hooray for abnormality! (The service also closed with a country song...)

Anyways, I just appreciate the way that this church is unafraid to be different and to love whoever walks through the doors of this Methodist camp's cafeteria that we meet in. I appreciate the fact that I can get up on Sunday morning or whenever and suck at whatever I'm singing, and still get positive feedback from people because they heard the words, or they just appreciate someone having the guts to get up front and do that. Now, I don't ever intend to get up in front of people and totally suck at my songs, but it happens sometimes. Tonight we had crazy feedback in the monitors, and the service was a bit more unorganized than I am comfortable with, but in that environment, it didn't matter. People were there to be with other people and Jesus, and nothing was going to get in the way of that.

I think that for all my critical eyeing of the way the church does things today, I might actually be becoming less judgmental. My goal is to become less concerned about what goes on, and more concerned about why it goes on. I think that's why some churches/church services rile me up so much, because I think that their motives are wrong, or misguided. And some things about churches/church services that rile other people up don't really bother me, because I think the heart behind it or the reason it's being done is good.

Well, I'm going to bed. Tonight was a night full of thinking, and tomorrow is the celebration of Jesus' birthday, so I should get some rest for that. I kind of wish I could get away for a while with Jesus, but I'm not sure how that would happen...

Merry Christmas

Back to the old self

Everytime I go home it happens: I relax.

This is both good and bad. Good, because I really just am myself; nothing is really held back (although that is even changing now; I think I am more myself in different ways around other people). And it's bad, because myself isn't always the best person for me to be. Let me explain. Myself is selfish and anal retentive and bossy, and my brothers just seem to bring out these fine qualities in me. For instance, last night we were trying to put together a song for Sunday (all of my family will be taking part in this song; the Von Ferrins, as it were). I was so rude to my brothers because they wouldn't let me figure out the chords (we were starting from scratch, so we had no chords to work with yet). I mean, there's got to be a place for being annoyed with little siblings, because you can all attest (well, most of you) to how annoying little siblings can be, but there's got to be a place you get to where you don't let all of that annoyance show. I haven't figured it out yet. So, last night, I would say I reverted back to my old self. People in Columbia don't usually see this side of me, because I'm not around people who annoy me this much. (Now I need to say this: I love my brothers, so don't take this the wrong way. This rant is more about my attitude than what they are doing.)

This is just an ongoing struggle that crops up pretty much every time I go home. Argh!

Rules Poem

This poem has five rules:
(I like having a box, because then you have something to think outside of)

1. The poem must have eight lines
2. The lines must have eight syllables/six syllables every other line
3. It must be melancholy in nature
4. It must contain the word "pink"
5. It must be told from the first person point-of-view

I met a man who saw just blue
His sad and worried face
Revealed the years marked by that hue
He sang me a lament

He sang to me, “She saw just pink”
Complete but not for long
Her last note left in purple ink
He sang me a lament

Where's Jesus?

No, this is not a rampage against the materialistic evils of America at Christmastime. I just want to write about my dream.

Last night I dreamt that I was at a conference. I was going to seminars, meeting people, and making friends with the gas station attendant (she hated my guts to begin with).

Well, we had a central location at a cabin in the woods (I guess this was all at a retreat center and the surrounding few miles). Jesus was with us. I don't remember what he looked like, or that there was anything particularly wierd about him being with us. But we all remembered him leaving.

We were going back to the cabin one day, running. When we got there, I kind of ran ahead of everyone through the house. I was looking for Jesus, because I just had this premonition that he was gone. Sure enough, I couldn't find him, so when I got back to the others I said, "Where's Jesus?"

Then someone pointed at me and said, "There he is."

Profound. Sometimes my dreams hold simple and great spiritual truths (sometimes my dreams are just retarded and they don't make any sense). Jesus is only kind of gone. I see him in you, and hopefully you see him in me.

Re-incarnation

You Were a Giraffe

You are a high achiever - able to reach things others can't.A great communicator, you are good at getting past superficialities.

What Animal Were You In a Past Life?

A storybook evening

Last night I went exploring with a friend. We traipsed through the woods behind my house and talked about how fairies and gnomes lived in the ivy that carpeted the ground and the dry fallen trees the we walked across. Then, we walked across the street to the old folks' facility. We had the place to ourselves (outside), so we stood looking at a willow tree reminiscing about our childhoods and wishing that the tendrils of the tree came down to the ground, so we could hide in them. Our travels led us around the backside of the facility, and we walked next door to the medical facilities lane. After scrambling over gigantic rocks, and gazing at Orion, we came across a residential area, and sat down beside a picturesque pond. We had to duck down when a plane flew overhead, lest it see us, and be made aware of our presence on a strangers' lawn. We talked and laughed and wished we had a little boat. Finally, I said something too loud, and the dog across the pond started barking. We stood up and ran back down the road we had come from, simply for the thrill of pretending like we were running away.

I felt like a kid, but an adult-kid. Now I can appreciate being a kid. Thanks, Ian, for bringing out the kid in me.

Writer's blog

I'm in a dumb pun mood. Ever been in one of those? Okay, I don't have much else to say. My roommates are talking about massaging butts. I think it's time to go...

An analogy for Eph 2:8-9

Those of you at my Bible study already heard this, but I wanted to remember it.

You don't do good works in order to be or maintain status as a Jesus-follower, but once you become a Jesus-follower, you just do good works. It's like this: "When a caterpillar turns into a butterfly, it flies." It's not a matter of flying in order to stay a butterfly, and it's certainly not a matter of flying to become a butterfly, but upon becoming a butterfly, I would imagine wings would give quite the incentive to fly.

More fun with words...

Check out this website: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sniglet for more fun with words.

What's in a word?

Words can mean so much, or so little. I was talking with my friend Wil last night about words. He said that it doesn’t really matter which word you use; what matters is what your meaning behind the word. While I partially agree with that, I think that is a dangerous way to conversate because word meanings are a bit subjective these days. When I say the word “bastard” or “damn”, does something just rise up within you and feel uncomfortable? I know for some of you it won’t, because you’ve learned that a word is what you make it, but even for myself, something inside of me is still like, “Are you sure you should say that?” I’m not here to say that we should all go around spouting off cuss words and various other questionable words in any context, but I’m just frustrated that people will take words that you say and immediately define them in their own context without asking you what you meant by them. Sometimes it is clear what people mean when they use these words (I don’t think anyone misinterprets the meaning of “asshole”), but other times, it is not so clear and clarification should be made before jumping to conclusions. Anyways, if I ever say anything you guys don’t understand, please ask me, because I’m probably just trying to get a point across with a strong word.

How I feel about the church

I think God wants us to be "the church", not the ones who "go to church".

This morning, I was thinking about the different things God has created, and I got to the church. Then, I wondered if the church really looks like what he meant for it to look like. In many mainstream churches today, I just can't see it. I see the church in some of my friends; I see pockets of the church throughout America and overseas, but I also see a lot of programming and people "going to church". Don't get me wrong, programming is not bad--sometimes it really helps to accomplish our purposes. But sometimes it hinders our purposes.

Purpose of the church? Togetherness--we could all worship God separately, and we could all hole up and live our lives separately, but God wanted us to do these things together. Togetherness doesn't mean going to a building (old and steepled or new with an attractive sign), necessarily, but it means sharing the time when we sing and rejoice and lament to God; sharing the time when we eat (this is not exclusive to pot-lucks, although I am a fan of them); sharing our finances. It's hard to live with people, but that's just part of becoming more like Jesus. He lived with people too. Feel free to disagree or agree with my opinion on the purpose of the church. It's probably not complete yet, but I think togetherness is a huge factor.

Settling in

Sink in
Settle down
Into life--
Different life
Bigger things?
Better things?
Older things
Transitional tendency
Achieving comfortability

This is kind of how I feel about transitioning into the working world. I'm starting to settle in, and be used to it. I find that's how I handle most of life. I just get used to things. I didn't know if I would like working full time, but I've just gotten used to it. I think I don't like change at the time, but it doesn't take me long to adapt. Just call me chameleon.

It's early

Oh, the wee hours of the morning. We have a bit of a love/hate relationship. Some mornings I hate getting up; others I like it. I guess it's more like a like/hate relationship. Anyway, I just had an intense dream in the last 15 minutes before my alarm went off. I'm not quite sure what it was about, but I think mine and my family's lives were at stake. It was one of those dreams that you need to rest after dreaming. This is wierd. I've never thought about putting a dream on my blog before. Sometimes I have really crazy dreams, but last night they were just stressful. Maybe that's what happens when you don't sleep enough (like last night): your body revolts and gives you bad dreams...

Anyways, I can't say this has been the most interesting or inspiring of blogs, but I wanted to say that I had a date on Sunday night, and it was fun, and if you link to pilgrimx's site on the right-hand side, you'll see that he thought it was fun too. And also, I am heading out to Atlanta tonight to have someone else's turkey. Hooray for Lauren Marshall!

A purpose in the work

I feel like my music-work is coming to fruition. My cd is by no means complete, but part of its purpose is already being fulfilled. Rick (my "recording manager") burned five of my semi-completed songs to a cd today, after our recording session. I got to play the songs for my friends, and I know they were relating to some of the aspects in the songs, and being caused to think, and perhaps think differently. That is my goal! I want my community to hear and relate and think as a result of hearing my songs. This is not the first time this has happened, as others have heard my songs before, but it seems like I am getting more accomplished.

Also, something else happened today, which was cool, but I'm not going to write about it yet.

Once there was a man from LipBalm Land

Once there was a man from LipBalm Land
He arrived at my door cramped in a can
Once released from his cell
The neighbors will tell
He partied till dawn like a man

3 cheers for 3M!

Grace, carries a world on her hips...

Grace and discipline
Grace or discipline
Grace and/or discipline
Can you have your cake and eat it too?
Can you gather around you and be encouraged by people of like mind?

I do love U2...

What I learned from my Exotic Disease

There's nothing like it:
Life
The simple things
The complex
The just plain fun things
You don't miss it
Till it's gone:
Your health--
A huge factor
In your Life
Busyness is for the pending sick ones
Stop and enjoy Life while you have your health

Anger is a subtle thing

I don't think of myself as an angry person
Alas, I once didn't think of myself as an emotional person
I have since proved myself otherwise.
There is something in my life now which occasions my anger to show itself
It lays dormant for a few days, or weeks,
But starts to eat parasitically at the rest of my thought-time
It lends to me certain attitudes
Which develop into habits I haven’t thought through
Subtle.

How do those Kenyans do it?

The verdict was most definitely malaria. After being hospitalized for five days, they finally let me out yesterday, but I have a couple of weeks before I actually feel normal. That's a whole month worth of sickness! And Kenyans get this all the time! How do they live their normal lives? Anyways, thanks for the prayers and the visits (for those of you in the area). I didn't know how many friends I had until I got sick. It's kind of like when people die, everyone says nice things about them, and you realize how much people cared for you, except you can't cuz your dead. Well, I'm glad I got to find out before I died :)

Malaria?

So, I might have malaria. They can't figure out what's wrong with me, so finally my mom decided to come be with me and fight the doctors and look up stuff online. We'll see. That would be just peachy. I go to the doctor tomorrow to find out. Hopefully they'll have some answers. On the bright side, the last record of people dying in the US from malaria was in 1995, and all six of them waited a very long time to get treatment. I think I won't die, yet. But I am still left at home to ponder the finer things of life...

For starters, I think the word "devotions" and words "quiet time" are a bit stuffy. Personally, I haven't had one in two weeks. Gasp! I'm actually not sure myself how I feel about that, coming from my evangelical background. What does spending time with Jesus look like? I think it's gotta be some concentrated time with him, but it can't be a certain quota. And, what about all the other time in my life? Is that not spending time with Jesus also?

Musical roots

Yep, this is one of my less philosophical blogs tonight. As you can see, this is where the family's musical talent comes from. Behold, my grandpa on the saw! (That's my dad on the piano behind him, but everybody plays the piano, you know?) Grandpa lives in California, and was diagnosed with cancer a few years ago. He's still doing fairly well, but no one knows how long he's got to live. This picture was taken last Christmas when we went out to see them. 

What style is your theology?

You know what irks me? It's when people let their style preference guide their theology. (Before I get much farther, I have to say that this is probably true of me in some areas, but if that is so, please, friends, point it out to me.) It's like the rock-music-with-drums-equals-the-devil mentality never left. I'm not saying that mentality is still prevalent in the Christian community at large today, but there are other mentalities. For instance, out-of-the-box music: anything that is not streamlined Christian radio or Chris Tomlin-ish in sound, or anything that is not words put together in a fashion that we are used to hearing (ie: cliche). At the sound of this music, we sometimes get confused and think that it is sinful music. We are judging music by our personal tastes, people, and while that is okay to do if you are judging it and claiming that you don't like it and don't want to listen to it but it is okay if others listen to it, it is NOT okay if you are judging it and claiming that you don't like it because it is sinful and God will have none of it. That is criticizing some artists whom God has chosen to make/write music. As a writer, I have recently had my work criticized. Now, I don't take criticism well (what doesn't kill you makes you stronger...), but I could take this, because it was simply a matter of opinion (and I knew the person cared about me). But, imagine someone not liking your work because he/she claimed that it was sinful?

Sickie

Today I am sick. I've had a fever for the past three nights, with last night's getting up to record high 102.6. It's wierd, though, because I've been fine during the day. I even went recording yesterday, and everything seemed fine. It's kind of freaky. Maybe I have like a disease or something. I sat with this guy on one of my plane rides home, and I ate some of his sweet bread. You know how your mom always told you not to accept food from strangers? Well, maybe that's why I'm sick. Oh well, I just hope I'm well enough to go to work tomorrow.

Josh Garrels

Hey, I saw this guy in concert last night in Columbia. He is very different from any other Christian artist I've heard. I bought his cd. Check him out at his website: www.joshgarrels.com

Coincidental Meeting

I was talking with someone at the Emerging conference I went to this week (maybe you're now reading my blog), and they told me about the artist Sufjan Stevens. Well, I looked him up one morning in my hotel room, but the wi-fi was a bit too slow to actually listen to him, so I just listened to the first 14 seconds of his song like 4 times.

On the way home to Columbia today, I had a layover in Atlanta, and I met a guy attached to an ipod (of which I was extremely jealous), and he is an actor/musician type. On a whim I asked him if he had heard of Sufjan, because he seemed like he would be into that kind of indie original music. He was like, "Yeah, actually, I have some of his stuff on my ipod; do you wanna listen?" Too cool. His name was Colin Smith, and I'll probably never see him again, but we had a good chat about the evils of the music industry, and the vision that artists should be allowed to create the art that is within them, instead of the art that their producers think they should formulate. By the way, I really like what I've heard of Sufjan. Anyone know any other indie artists in the same vein? Ever heard of Iron & Wine? That was another one he introduced me to.

Anyways, the emerging conference was amazing. I needed to be there, and to chase thoughts that have been bouncing around in my head for a while. I have a lot of thinking and conversing to do.

Back in the dorms

Tonight I am sleeping in good old Walker 1 again. It's been a while. For a minute, sitting in Laura's room, I almost missed studying. And then reality overcame me, and I realized how much I DIDN'T miss studying. It's funny though how smells and seeing things is so much reminding me of when I used to live here. I think it's really the camaraderie of this place that I miss. But then again, I would never get anything done here. I would talk with people forever. I really am looking forward to having my own place someday... I guess I'm getting old and boring.

Recording artist!

Hey, today I went to visit my friend Rick Castleman, whom I had a class with last year at CIU. He attends a church in Lexington and has agreed to let me use the "recording studio" of his church office to record my first ever cd in! So, today I was checking out the place, and seeing what Rick could do with my vocals and guitar/keyboard with ProTools. I am very excited to get some stuff down. I'm starting next weekend. The best part about this is that I'm getting the experience for free! So, it may be a while before it's done, but at least it's in the works. I've been talking about doing a cd for a while, so I'm glad I'm finally doing it. If I can finish off two songs that I'm working on, I can make it a 10-song cd. I've always wanted to do cds of songs that make sense together (like have a theme), so I might try to still shoot for that, or I might make an exception, because I didn't write these songs with that intention. They're really just songs from my life experiences. I guess you could call my style folk rock. I would compare my style to that of Sarah McGlaughlin, Bebo Norman/Andrew Peterson - ish. So, I am very excited to get going on that.

I am also attending Gateway Baptist tomorrow for the first Sunday of what I hope to be many Sundays. I'm excited about getting the chance to be on their worship team.

Before the clocks kept time...

So, I was thinking today: who ever decided to have days and call them Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday? (Oh, yeah, God did.) But still, I think there needs to be a little chaos in this order, to liven things up a bit. We have put the days in an unbreakable order, and called 365 days a year (which God did not do, by the way), and then we divided all those days up into 24 hours of 60 minutes each. We decided that you are supposed to give your body energy by consuming edible products at three times in the day: breakfast, lunch, and dinner (and, if you're lucky, snack and dessert too). Why are we so freakin organized?? Sorry, I'm not really upset at the world--just questioning things. Anyways, I guess I'm not so much going anywhere with this, other than the fact that it is very freeing to think there is no rule of godliness I am breaking if I choose to eat dinner at a wierd time or not at all, or if I decide that I want to take God's Sunday on Wednesday, or if I decide that 367 days ago was still in my mind's timeframe of a year. This has been spastic thoughts with Genevieve...

Argh.

I wanted to write tonight, but I'm too tired to write about what I wanted to write about. I forgot what I wanted to say. Maybe I'll write this weekend sometime. I'm going to the wedding of my friendses Chris and Alaina. Labor Day approaches...

A glimpse into my Summer

These are two of my Kenya girls: Noel on the left, me in the middle, and Alicia on the right. Really, we're all very serious people...

Sucked in to the machine

I had two people on staff at CIU tell me today that once you start working for the school, you get sucked in and you could be there a while, and you get piled with stuff. I can see it's true; my boss Mark would be prime example no. 1. My friend Val told me that most people working at the school end up doing the job of at least two men. I said, "Not me!", and she said, "Just wait; next year you'll see." I guess I'm okay with the piling stuff; I work pretty well under pressure and I know when I need to go home. But it's the next year part that I started thinking about. I don't know if I'll be here next year. I don't want to get tied down to CIU. I mean, I love the place and all, but I don't think I need to be there for the next 5 or more years. I don't know what I'll be doing next year. I'm going to look into Pioneers and Proclaim once I get a steady 40 hrs/week of work. I'm also going to look a little more at grad schools. Sidenote: You know, though, I might get sucked into Gateway, now that I will be going there. I guess I'm just afraid that if I don't intentionally try to get out of the Columbia area, I'll just stay here, and there's already so many people here in ministry. There are so many needs elsewhere; BUT if you always go somewhere because there is a need, you would have to learn how to be in more than one place at one time, because there are needs everywhere. Maybe God wants me in Columbia for a while (I hope not). Anyways, I'm here for the time being, and I really want it to be a time of training. I really want to learn relationships this year, and get trained in the church, and get trained at my jobs doing various things which may come in handy someday...

Okay, so this blog looks like I just puked my plans (or rather non-plans) out on a page, but that's just the way my brain thinks.

Fender Passport Systems and Lingerie Parties

You may be wondering what these two things have to do with each other. Well, they were both a part of my day today. This morning, at work, we got a new Fender Passport portable sound system. It's pretty sweet. We'll probably use it a lot. This evening, I went to a lingerie party for a friend of mine. I hope that's not what my next 5-10 years look like: always going to other peoples' lingerie parties and never having my own. Anyways, enough about clothing that cover less than half as much as regular clothing and cost twice as much as regular clothing, which covers twice as much bodily area.

So, as far as an esoteric thought for the day goes, let's try this one: I'm wondering about church. Where do you draw the line between being fed and feeding others? I've been going to a church which for years has been for me of the latter kind. It has been a place where I have been able to get involved in ministry (and even some leadership-type ministry), and feed others. I have been overfed at CIU, and have, in turn, dumped (overflowed would probably be the politically correct, euphemistic, Christianese word to use) that into my ministry at church, so to speak. Now, I am still lingering at CIU (as some of us tend to do), but my feeding there will be a bit downsized, and my fellowship will look vastly different. I am considering changing churches partly for this reason. My major dilemma is that I do not want to start going to a new church because I selfishly am not getting what I want out of the church which I am now at. My desire is to be elsewhere, and so I guess I need to look at the reasons behind that desire. Okay, so you probably don't want to hear my continuing rambling about this subject. But I do think it's a big decision, since I've been with the church for four years, and I hate to abandon things. I just want to be a part of something that's moving--a group of people where God is obviously working.

Losing my sanctification

This summer, a friend of mine said that if his vehicle was giving him so much trouble, then ownership of such a vehicle might be the end of his sanctification. Well, if there was ever to be a material object over which my sanctification could be lost--If there was ever a way to get to me and frustrate me the most--it would be through my computer. I haven't even been using my own computer to post these last couple of days, because it's about to go kaput. Thank goodness for sharing roommates. So, okay, I'm not serious about losing my sanctification...

Anyways, something real to write about: I think it's interesting how much the OT talks about God as a lover. I'm not just talking about the Song of Solomon (whatever your theological view on that book may be). I'm talking about all the times God calls himself the husband of Israel, and all the times he calls the nation a prostitute because of their unfaithfulness to him. God doesn't feel our sin like an unbiased judge feels (or doesn't feel) the pain of the victim in the case he is presiding over; God feels our sin like a lover who has been cheated on.

Somehow my mind is trying to connect this with my previous nights' conversation about being pursued. The pursuit of a husband is perhaps different than the pursuit of a man not yet married; or is it? I think the purpose of the pursuit is a bit different. A man not yet married is trying to get the woman to marry him; a man married is trying to maintain the relationship. But I think the reason the woman wants to be pursued is the same. A woman not yet married needs to know that she is wantable, and a woman who is married needs to know that she is still wantable. So, in connecting these two conversations, I think that I need to look at how God pursues us. He pursues us for two different reasons. First, he pursues us in order to bring us to himself (the time when we first know him, and give our lives to his control); and then, he pursues us in order to maintain the relationship (as we continue to surrender different things that come up in our lives to him). But the reason we want to be pursued is the same--we want to know that someone cares about us deeply. So, how does God pursue us? How does he pursue me? Maybe I'll find out tomorrow...

The Princess-Locked-in-a-Tower Syndrome

Like a princess locked up in a tower by her parents, most of us of the female gender long to have a dashing prince rescue us from the daily drudgery of our life. We want a man who will pursue us hard-core--stopping at nothing (not fire-breathing dragons, not fire-breathing fathers wielding shotguns).

In modern-day this looks a little different. We want a man who will take initiative in a relationship, someone who will romantically pursue us and convince us that we are wanted.

I want to know WHY.

Why do I want some man to pursue me? Is it something that has been instilled into my head and heart as long as I have watched Disney movies? Or is it something that has been instilled deep within my soul since the time mankind was created? Okay, maybe that's getting too serious. Anyways, I just started questioning that for the first time today. I think that there is a little of both aspects in my desire for being pursued. God created me with a need to feel wanted. Now, I have found that even in great relationships with men, this need cannot be fully met. I think only Jesus can make me feel totally wantable (yes, you probably haven't ever seen that word before; don't worry, I haven't either). But there is the desire for a man to give me a glimpse of Jesus pursuing me. What does that look like? Does that always look like taking initiative? (Have I been at CIU too long because I am asking this question?) Is that just selfish: me always wanting a man to break the ice? Or, is that biblical: me letting him "lead"?

All I know is that Jesus does pursue me, and communicates that to me in a way I can understand. I need Him to do that; I need Him to feel wantable--to feel valuable.

Hello there

Well, this is my first post on a blog totally devoted to whatever I want to write. It's not for the purpose of a class or an internship, or anything else. It's just a place where my thoughts can go on the trails they've been waiting to all day but couldn't because I had about ten things on my list to do, and usually have only gotten through a few of them. Anyways, enough said about my philosophy of this blog page--just write!