A glimpse into my Summer

These are two of my Kenya girls: Noel on the left, me in the middle, and Alicia on the right. Really, we're all very serious people...

Sucked in to the machine

I had two people on staff at CIU tell me today that once you start working for the school, you get sucked in and you could be there a while, and you get piled with stuff. I can see it's true; my boss Mark would be prime example no. 1. My friend Val told me that most people working at the school end up doing the job of at least two men. I said, "Not me!", and she said, "Just wait; next year you'll see." I guess I'm okay with the piling stuff; I work pretty well under pressure and I know when I need to go home. But it's the next year part that I started thinking about. I don't know if I'll be here next year. I don't want to get tied down to CIU. I mean, I love the place and all, but I don't think I need to be there for the next 5 or more years. I don't know what I'll be doing next year. I'm going to look into Pioneers and Proclaim once I get a steady 40 hrs/week of work. I'm also going to look a little more at grad schools. Sidenote: You know, though, I might get sucked into Gateway, now that I will be going there. I guess I'm just afraid that if I don't intentionally try to get out of the Columbia area, I'll just stay here, and there's already so many people here in ministry. There are so many needs elsewhere; BUT if you always go somewhere because there is a need, you would have to learn how to be in more than one place at one time, because there are needs everywhere. Maybe God wants me in Columbia for a while (I hope not). Anyways, I'm here for the time being, and I really want it to be a time of training. I really want to learn relationships this year, and get trained in the church, and get trained at my jobs doing various things which may come in handy someday...

Okay, so this blog looks like I just puked my plans (or rather non-plans) out on a page, but that's just the way my brain thinks.

Fender Passport Systems and Lingerie Parties

You may be wondering what these two things have to do with each other. Well, they were both a part of my day today. This morning, at work, we got a new Fender Passport portable sound system. It's pretty sweet. We'll probably use it a lot. This evening, I went to a lingerie party for a friend of mine. I hope that's not what my next 5-10 years look like: always going to other peoples' lingerie parties and never having my own. Anyways, enough about clothing that cover less than half as much as regular clothing and cost twice as much as regular clothing, which covers twice as much bodily area.

So, as far as an esoteric thought for the day goes, let's try this one: I'm wondering about church. Where do you draw the line between being fed and feeding others? I've been going to a church which for years has been for me of the latter kind. It has been a place where I have been able to get involved in ministry (and even some leadership-type ministry), and feed others. I have been overfed at CIU, and have, in turn, dumped (overflowed would probably be the politically correct, euphemistic, Christianese word to use) that into my ministry at church, so to speak. Now, I am still lingering at CIU (as some of us tend to do), but my feeding there will be a bit downsized, and my fellowship will look vastly different. I am considering changing churches partly for this reason. My major dilemma is that I do not want to start going to a new church because I selfishly am not getting what I want out of the church which I am now at. My desire is to be elsewhere, and so I guess I need to look at the reasons behind that desire. Okay, so you probably don't want to hear my continuing rambling about this subject. But I do think it's a big decision, since I've been with the church for four years, and I hate to abandon things. I just want to be a part of something that's moving--a group of people where God is obviously working.

Losing my sanctification

This summer, a friend of mine said that if his vehicle was giving him so much trouble, then ownership of such a vehicle might be the end of his sanctification. Well, if there was ever to be a material object over which my sanctification could be lost--If there was ever a way to get to me and frustrate me the most--it would be through my computer. I haven't even been using my own computer to post these last couple of days, because it's about to go kaput. Thank goodness for sharing roommates. So, okay, I'm not serious about losing my sanctification...

Anyways, something real to write about: I think it's interesting how much the OT talks about God as a lover. I'm not just talking about the Song of Solomon (whatever your theological view on that book may be). I'm talking about all the times God calls himself the husband of Israel, and all the times he calls the nation a prostitute because of their unfaithfulness to him. God doesn't feel our sin like an unbiased judge feels (or doesn't feel) the pain of the victim in the case he is presiding over; God feels our sin like a lover who has been cheated on.

Somehow my mind is trying to connect this with my previous nights' conversation about being pursued. The pursuit of a husband is perhaps different than the pursuit of a man not yet married; or is it? I think the purpose of the pursuit is a bit different. A man not yet married is trying to get the woman to marry him; a man married is trying to maintain the relationship. But I think the reason the woman wants to be pursued is the same. A woman not yet married needs to know that she is wantable, and a woman who is married needs to know that she is still wantable. So, in connecting these two conversations, I think that I need to look at how God pursues us. He pursues us for two different reasons. First, he pursues us in order to bring us to himself (the time when we first know him, and give our lives to his control); and then, he pursues us in order to maintain the relationship (as we continue to surrender different things that come up in our lives to him). But the reason we want to be pursued is the same--we want to know that someone cares about us deeply. So, how does God pursue us? How does he pursue me? Maybe I'll find out tomorrow...

The Princess-Locked-in-a-Tower Syndrome

Like a princess locked up in a tower by her parents, most of us of the female gender long to have a dashing prince rescue us from the daily drudgery of our life. We want a man who will pursue us hard-core--stopping at nothing (not fire-breathing dragons, not fire-breathing fathers wielding shotguns).

In modern-day this looks a little different. We want a man who will take initiative in a relationship, someone who will romantically pursue us and convince us that we are wanted.

I want to know WHY.

Why do I want some man to pursue me? Is it something that has been instilled into my head and heart as long as I have watched Disney movies? Or is it something that has been instilled deep within my soul since the time mankind was created? Okay, maybe that's getting too serious. Anyways, I just started questioning that for the first time today. I think that there is a little of both aspects in my desire for being pursued. God created me with a need to feel wanted. Now, I have found that even in great relationships with men, this need cannot be fully met. I think only Jesus can make me feel totally wantable (yes, you probably haven't ever seen that word before; don't worry, I haven't either). But there is the desire for a man to give me a glimpse of Jesus pursuing me. What does that look like? Does that always look like taking initiative? (Have I been at CIU too long because I am asking this question?) Is that just selfish: me always wanting a man to break the ice? Or, is that biblical: me letting him "lead"?

All I know is that Jesus does pursue me, and communicates that to me in a way I can understand. I need Him to do that; I need Him to feel wantable--to feel valuable.

Hello there

Well, this is my first post on a blog totally devoted to whatever I want to write. It's not for the purpose of a class or an internship, or anything else. It's just a place where my thoughts can go on the trails they've been waiting to all day but couldn't because I had about ten things on my list to do, and usually have only gotten through a few of them. Anyways, enough said about my philosophy of this blog page--just write!